Saturday, May 30, 2009

More Reverence

Do not be quick with your mouth,
do not be hasty in your heart
to utter anything before God.
God is in heaven
and you are on earth
so let your words be few.
As a dream comes when there are many cares,
so the speech of a fool when there are many words.

Ecclesiastes 5:11

I read Ecclesiastes this morning. I've never read it, I don't think. Some of the passages were familiar, and the most well-known verse about the "time for every purpose under heaven..." stuff was the one keeping me away. I just can't stand the repetitiveness of that song, turn, turn, turn...ugh.

But, I needed the wisdom of Solomon and I just couldn't start in with those Proverbs. Great and profound stuff mind you, but my goodness you can only take it in small bites. Not a meal. And, today, I needed a meal.

I've been a bit petulant lately. Okay, okay...not "a bit" a whole lot!

I've been feeling like I'm a bench warmer. When did I leave the game? I was on track, God's wind blowing into my sails, and I was on point.

But, something's happened over the past year and now I'm starting to see it as a transformation of me as a person. God's working on me to make me the person he wants me to be. Unfortunately, I'm still struggling to see it that way. Intellectually I can grasp what he's doing. Emotionally, I feel slapped down.

I've been seeing it as: This is not fair! I'm a player, for cryin' out loud, not someone's who's accustomed to being a bench blanket. I count! I can play! I need to be used!

All the while I sit and watch while God infuses his magnificence into everyone else's lives, and leaves me as an inert member of the team, watching...painfully watching as others utilize their talents for his glory and I sit back and wait for the call that doesn't come.

When I really get going on my little pity party about how God is weaving his Kingdom with everyone else's thread and not mine I can attribute it to my lack of youth or increased weight. If only I were thinner and younger, then I could make a difference, then he'd use me, then others would allow me to join in the game. I am shunned because of time and appearance. (You can see how dangerous it is when we allow the "woe is me" festival to continue--of course, it manifests differently for all of us, your issue may not be age or weight, but we all have chinks in our armor that the enemy will utilize given the chance.)

My father will be 80 years old in August and he is currently building a restaurant empire. When he was 50 he built a business from the ground up that made him his first million. At 32 he fathered me (in an age where 30 was considered over the hill). Now, if anything can teach me age is definitely not an issue, it's watching my dad.

And, the extra pounds? Man, it's hard to lose weight. I work out every day. I eat healthfully. I limit my intake. I'm trying to get the dose on my thyroid meds figured out. It's just plain tough, but I'm not giving up. But it's hard.

And so today I'm practicing more reverence and less petulance. Understanding that sometimes we're the main players and sometimes we support the main players, but it's all for the good of the kingdom and the advancement of the kingdom.

Mostly, I'm trying to become what God wants me to be, not getting God to support who I am.

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